Does Sex Really Begin in the Kitchen?


Of the 1,001 wives ages 18-49 surveyed last month, 75% say a good sex life with their spouse is “very or extremely important”; 16% say “somewhat important.”

It’s the “ultimate ‘am I normal’ study,” says Liz Zack of the online women’s community iVillage, which commissioned the study. “We don’t know whether the stuff that happens between the sheets at my house is the same stuff happening in the bedrooms of America.”

For survey respondents, communication translates to action in the bedroom: 44% say they get in the mood for sex when their spouse “says nice things.” That was second only to “feelings of love,” 67%.

“What most surveys find women really want is emotional connection and intimacy as a precondition for being in the mood to have sex,” says John Gottman, an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle and author of The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. “What’s been described as low libido in women is the fact their men stopped courting them. They are no longer trying to be intimate.” Gottman was not involved in the survey.

Eileen Nekava, 29, of Tampa Bay, Fla., says she loves hearing nice things from her husband of six years, Steven Nekava, 38. “It’s nice to know he appreciates me and still thinks about me in that type of way.”

One way they keep that flame going is by making “date nights” a dedicated part of their lives ever since their 4-year-old’s birth. They’ve been married six years, and she’s due with their second child in May.

Nekava, who works in IT sales, and her husband, an engineer, try to avoid talking about work or their daughter on date night. “It’s a way for us to get alone time and us just focus on each other.”

Stephanie Dulli of Washington, D.C., says “hearing nice things absolutely is romantic and a turn-on.” But she’s with the 25% who say “seeing your spouse as a great parent” or the almost 20% who say it’s when your spouse cleans the house or makes dinner that gets them in the mood for sex. “There is nothing sexier in the world than when my husband is giving the baby a bath without me asking. … If he takes it upon himself to do the dishes or the laundry, that’s such an act of service, and that’s another way he shows he cares for me. I find it dreamy.” Dulli has two sons, ages 3 and 8 months.

Okay guys, it is quiet obvious from this, and many other surveys, that women desire intimacy BEFORE sex. They also know when their man is doing chores and other nice things around the house JUST to get sex. As I have said several times before – your wife knows you want sex – what she really wants to know is if you want her.

Feel free to share your comments about how you regularly express your love and appreciation for your wife…..

Start in the kitchen,


Hot Embers

Part three of a three-part series

When it comes to the flames of lust, it’s easy to claim innocence. You don’t watch those movies. You don’t go to those websites. You don’t frequent those clubs. But I have to ask, how do you handle the hot embers tossed your way that are seemingly impossible to avoid? The DVD covers at a movie rental store. The clothing catalogs in the Sunday paper with an assortment of bra-wearing models. A co-worker’s blouse that falls open for a moment.

Not a day went by during my journal experiment that I wasn’t aware of a sexually explicit message, and oftentimes, the images came so fast that I didn’t have time to look away. While it wasn’t possible to fend off every attack, I realized that I could be more strategic and limit my battles. I stopped watching commercials during football games. I quit watching movie trailers for films I never planned to see. I read the ingredients in cereal boxes while waiting in line at the grocery store to avoid the magazine covers.

My journaling experience showed me that I can’t take a passive approach to battling lust. Every morning when I wake up, I have to be prepared and wield several weapons.

Eye Protection

During one of my not-so-brilliant college moments, I joined some guys on a camping trip. One evening, we gathered around the campfire and practiced the fine art of tossing hot embers to each other with our bare hands. After a glowing coal was knocked free from the fire, we’d try to palm and release the ember in one fluid motion. Watching the hot rock twist through the air, I wondered, can I catch and toss a hot ember without getting burned?

King Solomon asked a similar question in Proverbs 6 after telling men not to play games with lust: Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched?

When our macho coal-tossing game ended, I had the answer in my hands—burns and blisters.

You can’t catch a hot ember if you’re not looking at it. Look away, and the hot coal falls at your feet. No burns. No chance of scarring your palm like Nazi agent Major Toht in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.

With today’s media choices, sexual images are impossible to avoid. But one of the greatest weapons you can use also takes a great deal of practice: bouncing your eyes off the sexual image. When your eyes spot a risqué ad, commercial, or picture, train your eyes to deflect off the sexualized woman without studying here.

Scripture – The Double-Edged Sword

I worked hard to memorize a passage from Proverbs, and I quoted it to myself whenever I felt a struggle coming. I used it as a war cry to psyche myself for battle, envisioning Mel Gibson as William Wallace in Braveheart shouting to his men as he rode up and down the line:

For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is as bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths are crooked, but she knows it not. Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. Keep a path far from her. Do not go near the door of her house. (Proverbs 5:3-8)

The Map

This may not sound like much of a weapon, but it’s crucial to know the lay of the land and to understand where a combat may take place. Where are enemy troops positioned? Where is the high ground? Where should battles be avoided?

The journal gave me a map to my struggles. Flipping back through its pages, I saw the times, places, and instances I faced a battle with lust. With this knowledge, I can make wiser entertainment choices and limit my battles.

Maybe that means you stop surfing the Internet when you’re home alone. Maybe that means asking your wife to remove the advertisements before reading the Sunday newspaper. Maybe that means you screen movies before going to see them.

It wasn’t easy keeping a nude journal for a month, but it showed me that only playing defense to fend off thousands of digital mistresses every year will wear me down and lead to blindside sacks. I now have a playbook full of offensive strategies. I’m committed to this battle, and every morning I’m putting on my armor. It’s time for war. Will you join me?


200 Mistresses

Part two of a three-part series

I recently spent four weeks keeping track of the digital mistresses I allow in my life—every sexually suggestive message that assaulted my ears and every risqué image that enticed my eyes.  I wrote them all down in a journal, and at the end of the month, I tallied the number:

Two hundred.

Two hundred sexual images a month. Multiplied out, that’s 2,400 digital mistresses within a year’s time, way more than Solomon’s 1,000 wives and concubines. Guys, that’s not a skirmish. That’s an all-out blitzkrieg.

By and far, the most widely used entertainment mediums were covers for books, music, and movies (18%), website ads (17%), TV shows (14%), and commercials (14%). There weren’t many surprises when it came to the those outlets. But I was surprised at how often my innocent and passive actions still led to suggestive encounters. I couldn’t look at free Kindle downloads without scanning the covers of Harlequin novels. I couldn’t enter a department store without seeing swimsuit displays. And I couldn’t spend a couple of easy hours watching TV with my wife without picking up my notebook half a dozen times. And let me tell you about embarrassment—my wife was suddenly very aware of all the times I noticed another woman’s body.

There were a few times I wondered if my journal was worth the effort. Toward the end of the month I was tired of the constant journaling, burdened by my sudden awareness of battles, and unsure if my measures were making any real changes. And then one night I had a dream. Most of the time I don’t put stock in my dreams, but this one stood out. In my dream, I was playing chess in the woods with one of my brothers (I don’t play chess, and especially not in a forest). A car pulled up nearby, and a woman wearing a bikini stepped out.  And here’s the part that blew my mind. In my dream, I looked away. The moment I realized she was wearing something revealing, I turned my eyes away.

This was the reassurance I needed from God that He was beginning a new work in me. Even in my dreams, He was giving me the strength and ability to guard my eyes and thoughts, to make a covenant like Job did: I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman.

I love my wife, and she deserves my greatest efforts to keep a path far from sexual temptation, wherever it resides. That doesn’t mean I cut off all forms of entertainment, but it does mean I become more aware of my choices and make some difficult decisions to reroute my life around sexually explicit images.


The Nude Journal

Guest host Jon shares a 3-part series on his wrestling match with lust. I hope his honest and candid approach will speak to each of us, and encourage us in our struggle.

Part one of a three-part series

I recently spent a month carrying a journal around. Everywhere I went, I slipped the black-and-white composition notebook under my arm, ready to jot down observations:

“Female customer wears low-cut blouse and shows cleavage.”

“Woman in bra for Target ad.”

“Movie: Angelina Jolie takes off her clothes.”

I’d better explain.

I’ve given up my passive approach to battling lust. It hasn’t worked. If I wait until temptation strikes before strapping on armor and unsheathing my weapons, it’s too late and I’m caught in my boxers. So instead, I’m facing the enemy head on, storming the beach and taking the hill. And that’s where my journal comes in. I needed a map to show me exactly where my war is waged.

Just as “food” journals encourage people to take a critical look at their eating habits, I kept a four-week “nude” journal to take an honest look at my daily intake of risqué images. I wanted to see if I’d developed a habit of “snacking” on impure images throughout the day, of taking in more sexual pictures than I realized.

I don’t visit pornographic websites or watch sexually graphic movies. But there are times I walk down the street toward pornography’s house—not to knock on the door and enter but for the chance to take a quick glance in an open window; such as visiting a sports or political website knowing that there may be a sexy thumbnail on the homepage. I don’t click the link, but it’s enough to quicken my heart.

In keeping this journal, my rules were simple. Whenever I became aware of a sexual image or message, I had to write it down along with my response. (A sexual image constituted any time I’d be embarrassed if the depicted woman was in the same room with me and my wife walked in). Thus, I jotted down shampoo commercials when a woman soaped up, even though our culture wouldn’t consider this a sexual message.  But the fact that I’m seeing her bathe through a screen rather than in person shouldn’t matter.

This journal forced me to take an honest look at lust in my life and examine my daily habits. I also wanted to know how many times a day I had to choose between taking a lustful look or bouncing my eyes.

I hope the next couple of blog posts help you understand one guy’s wrestle with lust. And know this, by the Holy Spirit’s prompting and through this month-long journal, light has shined upon specific struggles, and chains that have become all too comfortable are being broken.


Part 2 coming very soon…….

How Porn Works


Over 25% of all internet searches performed every day are for porn-related images, videos or websites.By some estimations, the production and sale of explicit pornography now represents the seventh-largest industry in America.

Not surprisingly, the vast majority of those who consume pornography are males, and it is no secret that males are highly stimulated by visual images, whether still or video. William Struthers book offers us new understanding of how pornography works in the male brain. While this research does nothing to reduce the moral culpability of males who consume pornography, it does help to explain how the habit becomes so addictive.

Struthers is a psychologist with a background in neuroscience and a teaching concentration in the biological bases of human behavior. In Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain, Struthers presents key insights from neuroscience that go a long way toward explaining why pornography is such a temptation for the male mind. As Struthers explains, “Men seem to be wired in such a way that pornography hijacks the proper functioning of their brains and has a long-lasting effect on their thoughts and lives.”

“The simplest explanation for why men view pornography (or solicit prostitutes) is that they are driven to seek out sexual intimacy,” he explains. The urge for sexual intimacy is God-given and essential to the male, he acknowledges, but it is easily misdirected. Men are tempted to seek “a shortcut to sexual pleasure via pornography” and now find this shortcut easily accessed.In our fallen world, pornography becomes more than a distraction and a distortion of God’s intention for human sexuality – It comes as an addictive poison.

Struthers explains:

Viewing pornography is not an emotionally or physiologically neutral experience. It is fundamentally different from looking at black and white photos of the Lincoln Memorial or taking in a color map of the provinces of Canada. Men are reflexively drawn to the content of pornographic material. As such, pornography has wide-reaching effects to energize a man toward intimacy. It is not a neutral stimulus. It draws us in. Porn is vicarious and voyeuristic at its core, but it is also something more. Porn is a whispered promise. It promises more sex, better sex, endless sex, sex on demand, more intense orgasms, experiences of transcendence.

Pornography “acts as a polydrug,” Struthers explains. As Dr. Patrick Carnes asserts, pornography is “a pathological relationship with a mood-altering experience.” Boredom and curiosity lead many boys and men into experiences that become more like drug addiction than is often admitted.

Pornography is “visually magnetic” to the male brain. Struthers presents an intriguing review of the neurobiology involved, with pleasure hormones becoming linked to and released by the experience of a male viewing pornographic images. These experiences with pornography and pleasure hormones create new patterns in the brain’s wiring, and repeated experiences formalize the rewiring.

As is typically the case with sin, enough is never enough. “If I take the same dose of a drug over and over and my body begins to tolerate it, I will need to take a higher dose of the drug in order for it to have the same effect that it did with a lower dose the first time,” Struthers reminds us. So, the experience of viewing pornography and acting out on it creates a demand in the brain for more and more, just to achieve the same level of pleasure in the brain.

While men are stimulated by the ambient sexual images around them, explicit pornography increases the effect. Struthers compares this to the difference between traditional television and the new high definition technologies. Everything is more clear, more explicit, and more stimulating.

Struthers explains this with compelling force:

Something about pornography pulls and pushes at the male soul. The pull is easy to identify. The naked female form can be hypnotizing. A woman’s willingness to participate in a sexual act or expose her nakedness is alluring to men. The awareness of one’s own sexuality, the longing to know, to experience something as good wells up from deep within. An image begins to pick up steam the longer we look upon it. It gains momentum and can reach a point where it feels like a tractor-trailer rolling downhill with no brakes.

Wired for Intimacy is a timely and important book. Struthers does not leave his argument to neuroscience, nor does he use the category of addiction to mitigate the sinfulness of viewing pornography. Sinners naturally seek to hide sin, and biological “predisposition” often cited as a means of avoiding moral responsibility. Struthers does not allow this, and his view of pornography is both biblical and theologically grounded. He lays responsibility for the sin of viewing pornography at the feet of those who willingly consume such images. The addict is responsible for his addiction.

A book like Struthers’ give us additional understanding of how sin works its deceitful evil and better understanding of how pornography works in the male mind . While this is powerful knowledge, we must still face the daily reality that we live in a world at war, and our enemy is very good at what he does. Pornography is a sin that robs God of his glory, and robs marriages of the amazing gift of sex and sexuality.

Don’t be taken hostage. Knowledge is power, but we must continue to be deliberate in our daily approach to walking with Christ and “guarding our heart” for the sake of our marriage.



Why Sex is So Important.

A Husband's Perspective....

Nearly every time a marriage survey is taken, whether to determine why people get divorced, or why they stay together, it seems that having a healthy sex life (or the lack thereof) is near the top of the husband’s list.

The overwhelming majority of husbands would agree that regular sexual intimacy is a top need in their lives. But why? Why is this such a dominant issue for men?

I don’t have to tell you (guys) that the primary reason is biological. Our God-created physiology creates a physical need for regular sexual release. If this need isn’t satisfied, we are less emotionally engaged with our wife, more emotionally tuned out to her needs and the needs of our family, and just overall – quite irritable. We are also much more susceptible to sexual temptation. Yes, we have choices to make, and are totally responsible for making the right or wrong ones – but the physical pressures are still very real.

The second reason is that we, like our wives, have a real need to connect emotionally with our wife. While the world tends to write us off as sex-starved cavemen – we are also endowed by the Creator with a deep emotional need to be loved, desired and connected to our spouse.

Shaunti Feldhahn’s best-selling book For Women Only underscores the fact that sex has a deep emotional impact on men. Feldhahn interviewed several hundred married men about different aspects of marriage. Not surprisingly, sex dominated their expressed needs and desires.

Perhaps the unexpected twist to her findings was the men’s feelings behind their sexuality. The vast majority of men indicated that being sexually fulfilled in marriage significantly impacted their confidence and their masculinity. Seventy-seven percent agreed with this statement: “If my wife was an interested and motivated sex partner, it would give me a greater sense of well-being and satisfaction with life.”

Both men and women have strong emotional needs for intimacy. The act of sex remains the primary response that gives men the feelings of closeness, caring and romance that they greatly need. That is why the great majority of men would say they don’t just want an unemotional, “let’s get this over with” experience in bed. Their emotional needs are not automatically met by having a physical release. Men desperately need to know that their wife desires them, finds them attractive and gets great satisfaction through sexual intimacy. Her love, expressed through sexual intimacy, gives him a sense of well-being like nothing else can.

Here are two important reasons why sex is so important in a husband’s world. Yes, sex and intimacy are significant to wives too, but we’re taking this space to talk with the guys.

Agree? Disagree? Want to share your comments? We’re here to learn from each other, so fire away.

Wives – we would learn much from hearing from you too.



What God Says to Husbands About Sex…….

I read with interest a recent blog post on my friend Julie Sibert’s blog, Intimacy in The post was titled – What Your Husbands are Telling Me about Your Sex Life. In it she recounts many of the numerous comments left by husbands on her blog regarding their sex lives with their wives. In all fairness, she also hears from sexually frustrated wives whose husbands don’t seem interested anymore.

Anyway – here are a few husband comments from today’s post: On a regular basis I hear about wives who – Haven’t made love to their husbands in months or even years. Never initiate sex. Consistently put ministry, children’s activities and other obligations above sex. Easily get defensive when their husbands try to address their sexual intimacy struggles. Are too tired for sex, but not too tired to watch NCIS, the Bachelor or 20/20? Regularly refuse their husband’s initiations for sex, but then vilify him when he is easily tempted by outside sexual stimulation. Seem to be only “going through the motions” to get sex over with.

If we are honest, many of us have had similar thoughts over the years. Sexual intimacy remains one of the top frustrations of men in marriage. While there is no instant answer, and no pat answer for every situation, I am convinced that the Creator of sex, and intimacy, has not left us to ourselves to figure it out.

While this could be a multi-part post, or even the subject matter for an entire blog site – I want to take the space to make a couple of points that I feel are significant based on the husbands I meet with and have counseled over the last years.

1. God created your wife with much different sex needs than you. She has no physical need for regular sexual release, and does not feel the same need for it. That is why she can say very honestly that she enjoys sex when it happens, but just doesn’t think about it. Such a foreign concept to men.

She does, however, feel the need for regular “emotional connection”  with you to the same degree (another foreign concept). She needs emotional intimacy every bit as much as you need physical intimacy.

2. She has no “pop-up” blocker that can turn off the multitude of “screens” playing in her head at any one point in time. Because of her relational and emotional wiring, she is always thinking about (and concerned about) family, finances, home chores, relatives, birthdays, special events, school, health, friends, you name it – the list seems almost endless. Believe it or not, you are on the list. Most wives would say that you are on the top of the list. Amazingly though, that doesn’t automatically equate to sex. She can’t simply turn off all those concerns and instantly desire to rip your clothes off on the way up the stairs. We, as you well know – can.

3. Most wives don’t experience fulfilling sex. According to the 2010 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, only 30% of wives experience regular orgasm during sex, compared to over 85% of husbands. Reason? Most likely thousands of them, but my guess is that this is most caused by selfish or ignorant husbands. It is much easier for us to achieve satisfaction during sex, and it is hard work to place our wife’s need for connection and romance ahead of our need for satisfaction. This requires a more deliberate, and unselfish approach to sex.

The Bible tell us the secret to an exciting sex life with our wives:

I Corinthians 7:33–  but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife

Philippians 2:3-4 – Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

Ephesians 5:28 – In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

Ephesians 5:25 – Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Guys – You have heard the old cliché, “Sex begins in the kitchen”. God calls us (and commands us) to love our wife as Christ loved the church and give ourselves up on her behalf. We are to regard her as more important than ourself, and make pleasing her our #1 earthly priority. If we obey God in this, He will make sure our own needs, including our sexual needs, are met. A wife who is loved, pleased, nourished and cherished like this will find it much easier to make pleasing her man a top priority. Instead of blaming her for our sexual frustration, we should blame ourselves for not loving her as we should. Talk with her about intimacy. Ask her what you can do to make her feel more loved and cherished. Pray for and with her, and trust God with your sexual intimacy needs.

Philippians 4:19 And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.



In addition to the toxic effects of sexual dissatisfaction at home, and the slow erosion of marital oneness with the wife you love – another seldom discussed effect of indulging in pornography is – apathy. Men quit trying to find that closeness and oneness they once enjoyed with their wife – so they escape to fantasy world that imitates it – which in turn further fuels the problem they wish would get resolved. They simply quit trying.

Apathy sets in as you begin to agree with the enemy’s voices that “nothing will ever change at home“, or that “she will never understand my needs“.

A popular men’s magazine recently carried an article that stated that men too quickly conclude that things will never change at home and therefore continue to justify their indulgence in fantasy and self – gratification.

Men are a strange lot. We will fight through physical pain, endure business and financial setbacks and will even sacrifice our own desires for our family and friends – but when it comes to working hard to achieve greater oneness and intimacy in our marriage – we most often take the easy way out, and do nothing.  We too quickly reach the false conclusion – what’s the use? Why is that?

Is it because we are embarrassed that it hasn’t happened automatically, and our manhood is threatened? Maybe we are too dang proud to admit we have a problem (opportunity) and need to work together with our wife to break through it. Another option is  – that we just go passive when we come up against difficult obstacles that require talking and praying with our wife about them.  Finally – I think men are prone to choose a faux tranquility at home instead of facing the intimacy issue head-on and doing whatever it takes to reclaim it.

Have we read any books about achieving marital oneness and intimacy lately? Attended any seminars? Talked with our older man friends about how to achieve it? Visited with a trusted pastor or counselor for input?

These options require that a man admit to his wife (and others) that their intimacy level is not what he would like it to be. Chances are great that your bride is already keenly aware of it too and has been wishing/praying you would take the lead in discussing it with her – and proactively finding a resolution.

You see, most couples struggle with the same thing. One of the top three reasons for divorce (not to mention marriages that settle for less) is always “lack of intimacy”. So why isn’t everyone talking about it? Why don’t we openly dialogue about it and try to help one another overcome it? Honestly? I really don’t know. My best guess is one thing – Pride.

We don’t want other people to know we have a problem somewhere in our marriage (duh) and so we just keep up the facade that everything’s “okay”. Everyone seems “okay” at church, at home, at lunch – so we should be too. That’s my best guess. I’d love to hear yours.

I say – let’s start talking about it. We (men) pretty much stink at it, and need to help each other get better. Better yet, we need to spend some quality time with our bride talking about how to recapture one of God’s greatest joys in marriage.

We can do this!

PornEffect 2

Research is clear – men who enjoy a satisfying sex life at home are far less tempted to view pornography than those who do not. PornEffect 1 was not intended to say that every married woman is sexually boring, or that every married couple suffers from a boring and mundane sex life. To the contrary – a great number actually report they enjoy a very fulfilling sex life. These posts are simply to point out some of the damaging effects viewing pornography will have on a marriage.

If you view pornography occasionally or habitually, you set yourself up for disappointment at home.           (Effect 1)


In addition to this latent dissatisfaction tormenting their minds, men will also begin to feel something else taking place.


As Christian husbands there will be a tremendous sense of guilt that follows this kind of activity. Guilt will bring a dump truck full of shame along with it. Why did I do that? Stupid! I’m an idiot! What if she knew? What if other people knew? Am I even a Christian?

You will most definitely experience God’s loving but firm conviction for your sin – but in addition, your enemy make it his mission to torment your mind with guilt, shame, accusation, fear, doubt and a host of other toxic emotions. His goal is to render you powerless and ineffective – to steal your joy – and especially, to ruin your marriage and your life.

Feelings of separation are to be expected when men deliberately turn their back on God, and their wife, in order to simply indulge themselves in self-satisfying behavior. Pornography is a close relative of alcohol, drugs, gambling and other self-addicted habits that Satan uses to “kill, steal and destroy” (john 10:10). Feeling separated from your wife is a natural consequence. You feel as if you have cheated. You wrestle inside with guilt and shame – and you promise yourself that was the last time.

The Bible says in Genesis 2, that Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed. They were completely naked with God and with each other. Physically, yes – but in every way. There was nothing between them. No secrets. No shame. Nothing to hide at all. They were completely transparent and open. There was no separation. They could look deeply into each other’s eyes and not feel the slightest twinge of shame or guilt.

Pornography robs marriages of oneness. Being one, as God created and intended, is damaged every time a man turns on that movie, or clicks on that website. The only path back to oneness is to become desperate and deliberate.         More on that later……

Indulging in pornography destroys the very thing a man wants in his marriage – oneness. Closeness of heart, mind and body are all damaged as a man chooses to separate himself from his walk with God and with his wife by indulging. Isn’t it time to take back the ground in your marriage that the enemy has stolen? Don’t let him continue to steal from you and separate you from the oneness God intended for your marriage.


PornEffect 1

Most men who dabble in pornography convince themselves that it won’t effect them or their marriage.

After all, I still love my wife.

Yes, the vast majority of men will admit to still loving their wife and being committed to their marriage. They truly believe that this practice, whether random or habitual, will not do any real harm to either.

Researching this for another project, I am flooded with evidence to the contrary. Let’s take a couple of posts to explore some of the many effects pornography has on you and your marriage…

Boredom / Disappointment

Men are easily bored, in many ways but most especially sexually. Having sex in the same place, in the same way, at the same time, etc. – gets boring. We’ll take it, if that’s all there is, but deep down we admit it seems very predictable and that’s not very exciting.

The primary lure of pornographic movies/videos is the erotica. Things are not boring. The lights are on, the woman is desirous of her man, and the long interplay of sexual activities that follow are anything but boring. When a man watches this, a deep sense of loss accompanies the tidal wave of emotions that he feels.

“I wish my wife wanted me like that.” “I wish she enjoyed sex like that, and responded to me that way.” There is an agreement we make that “Oh well, I’ll just settle for what I have.” So, the next time you get to have sex, in the same place, at the same time, in the same way – it seems even more boring. Happy to have it, for sure, but comparatively – ho hum.

This mental wrestling match leaves us feeling disappointed. No, we’re not disappointed in our wife necessarily. We love her. She looks just great. She is great. You don’t want someone else….. you just wish things were a little more erotic in the bedroom.

The more we justify that we “need” pornography as an escape – the more it wears away at us, like termites gnawing away at our very foundation until one day we will find ourselves with a much bigger, deeper problem. The more we let these images into our mind (Satan’s primary battleground), the more termites we invite over to the house, and the more bored and disappointed we will be with our wife.

She is too special to God to be treated this way. She is His precious daughter and He has given her to you to love, lead and protect. He is also going to hold each of us accountable for how well we do those things.

Turning off the images, seeking accountability, and walking daily with Christ are the only ways to begin to restore the intimacy and fulfillment we once had  – only with our wife.

This is one major way we can love our wives “as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her“.