Your Sex-Starved Man

Could it be ?

Your Sex-Starved Man

Anybody who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography. 

–Robert Byrne 


Shaunti Feldhahn interviewed more than 1,000 men prior to writing her book, For Women Only. Though it was no surprise that the interviews revealed that men desire more sex, what was surprising was why. She writes,

Men want more sex than they are getting. And what’s more, they believe that the women who love them don’t seem to realize that this is a crisis—not only for the man, but for the relationship…. For your husband, sex is more than just a physical need. Lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him, as, say, his sudden silence would be to you, were he simply to stop communicating with you. It is just as wounding to him, just as much a legitimate grievance—and just as dangerous to your marriage.1

Sex is as powerful emotionally for men as it is for women but for different reasons. Women want to feel close to a man before sex, but men feel close to women when having sex. Pay attention to this difference. Many couples have trouble connecting sexually because of it. When you don’t understand one another sexually, you run the very high risk of not connecting emotionally. And what could add some spice to our relationship becomes a battlefield and a power match where he’s always keeping score— “We’ve only had sex once in the past three weeks.”

But understand that in his eyes, sex is like oxygen to the relationship. He can’t breathe without it.

You may think he doesn’t deserve it. You may say to yourself, He doesn’t meet my needs so why should I meet his? I can’t do everything around this house and meet his needs on top of it. There isn’t enough time, and I don’t have enough energy.

This is where I believe we all need to take a deep breath together. The Apostle Paul is pretty bold in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (MSG): “Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.”

Does sex really mean that much to men? Psychologist Kevin Leman thinks so. I chuckled when I read this, and you might too. 


• A sexually fulfilled husband will do anything for you.

• A sexually fulfilled husband is a scriptural mandate. 

• A sexually fulfilled husband will feel good about himself.

• A sexually fulfilled husband will take on his life work with unmatched vigor and purpose. 

• A sexually fulfilled husband appreciates the important things in life.

Let’s be honest here, when a man is sexually satisfied, he is probably more able to satisfy the needs of his wife—but that doesn’t mean he always will. One thing’s for sure, at least he’ll sleep better!

But I’ve got to be honest—this is a mutually beneficial arrangement. When Daddy’s happy or if Daddy thinks he’s going to get happy, things tend to get done a whole lot more quickly around the house. Many women make the mistake of waiting until things are “good” in their marriage before they initiate sex. But when we refuse to have sex, we’re preventing the emotional closeness we receive as a result. This enormous paradox has chilling repercussions when it is not understood. Suffocate the sexual part of marriage, and you suffocate the relationship. Nobody can breathe.

I love what Gary and Barbara Rosberg write in their book, The Five Sex Needs of Men and Women:

The reality is that we often want the same things. Our deepest desire, whether we’re male or female, is ultimately to become one. He wants intercourse; she wants intercourse. He may want physical intercourse more than she does, and she may want emotional intercourse more than he does, but when a couple can meld physical and emotional intercourse, they will find the pathway to great sex.3

To add some spice, I’ve included some “true” aphrodisiacs:

Tenderness– Good sex starts by caressing your lover’s heart. It was never meant to be a single act of expression or feeling. Sexual satisfaction begins with gentleness, understanding, acts of kindness, and self-sacrifice. Treat one another well and you’ll discover a new kind of sexual satisfaction.

Time– Good sex is about taking time—not just during sex—to show your lover you care for and love him. African writer Ernestine Banyolak beautifully illustrates this:

A man’s experience is like a fire of dry leaves. It is easily kindled, flaring up suddenly and dying down just as quickly. A woman’s experience, on the other hand, is like a fire glowing charcoal. Her husband has to tend to these coals with loving patience. Once the blaze is burning brightly, it will keep on glowing and radiating warmth for a long time.

Touch– Good sex requires that you touch him often. Give back rubs, hold hands, kiss, hug, and caress one another. It’s sure to take your intimacy to the next level.

Talk– Good sex speaks clearly and gently about caring for, accepting, and valuing your husband. Be sure to express your heartfelt needs and feelings before, during, and after lovemaking. The next time you’re frustrated because he’s not getting anything done around the house, and he’s complaining he’s going to die without sex, go find your raincoat and high heels. You’ll be shocked at what he gets done in the next 30 minutes!

by Julie Clinton

1. Shaunti Feldhahn, For Women Only (Sisters, Oregon: Multnomah Publishers, Inc., 2004), 91-92.
2. Kevin Leman, Sheet Music (Wheaton, Illinois: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2003), 46-53.
3. Gary and Barbara Rosberg, The Five Sex Needs of Men and Women (Carol Stream,) Illinois: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2006), 39.
4. Cited in Howard and Jeanne Hendricks, Husbands and Wives (Colorado Springs: Victor Books, 1988), 249.

Does Your Husband Know What You Want?

Have I Made Myself Clear?

A great post from my friend Lori at The Generous Wife. (http:///www.the-generous-wife.com)

Last year I spent the entire year speaking clearly about what I wanted and needed. No hints. No manipulating. No hoping my husband would read my mind.

Just clear talking.

It was an interesting year (possibly the understatement of the year).

I knew I had communication issues, but, honestly, I didn’t realize how much I let go by without saying something. Or I hinted. Or looked surprised or miffed. You get the idea.

I didn’t communicate my needs and wants clearly. Now, a part of that comes from my messy past, but most of it came from not learning to speak clearly and reasonably with others. Most of this stuff is learned behavior which meant I could learn something different.

So, I practiced. And then I practiced some more. I missed opportunities and I messed up, but over the year I got better.

Now I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I encourage y’all to practice clear speaking. It’s refreshing, honest, and respectful (to you and your husband).

A half truth is a whole lie.  Yiddish proverb

The Man on the Wall

Nehemiah’s heart was broken because the city of Jerusalem had been destroyed and left in ruin. He asked the king for permission to take men and rebuild the sacred city, and it was granted him. He also knew that there were enemies in the land that did not like the Jewish people, and did not want the city rebuilt.

The book of Nehemiah is a wonderful illustration of men doing God’s work in a land filled with enemies. While a great story of Jewish history, it is also a guide for us today as men trying to lead our wives and children; build great marriages and families; all while trying to advance the kingdom of God – all in a land swarming with enemies as well.

How do we do this? What does God say about it?

Living in a world at war requires a deliberate lifestyle. As a soldier living in a combat area, you would never dream of living one minute, much less one day, without your body armor and helmet on – and our assault weapon in your hand. Sadly, most Christians today walk through their days in their underwear expecting their life, marriage, children, job, health, etc. to be unaffected by the world. It is no wonder half of them end up divorced, and far too many live unfulfilled, wounded lives.

The Bible is very clear that we have responsibility to protect ourselves and to live deliberately as soldiers in this fallen world:

Proverbs 4:23 – Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life.

1 Peter 4:7 – The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray.

1 Peter 5:8 – Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Proverbs 16:17 – The highway of the upright turns aside from evil; whoever guards his way preserves his life.

Proverbs 22:5 – Thorns and snares are in the way of the crooked; whoever guards his soul will keep far from them.

Malachi 2:15 – Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth.

Nehemiah gives us a great example of how to lead well, protect ourselves and our family, all while building the Kingdom – in chapter 4, verse 17:

Those who carried materials did their work with one hand and held a weapon in the other, 

We are wise to wake each day, put on the “whole armor of God”, and go about our day with one hand on the work at hand, and another firmly on our weapon. We live in a world at war and need to be reminded daily how critical our role as leaders is, and how God is entrusting (and empowered) us to lead and protect well.

Suit up, stay alert…

Rob

To Be Truly Happy, These 4 Things Have to Go

 

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What does it really take to be happy in life? While there may be many definitions of “happy”, I think there are some habits/patterns/ruts we fall into that keep us from experiencing joy, peace and fulfillment in life. Let me present four that we should all consider giving up for good – our own good, and the good of those around us.

1. Give up your right to run your own life. The original sin of Adam and Eve was that they chose to be the masters of their own life/destiny rather that allowing God to. They fell for Satan’s lie that God was holding out on them, and that they should have the right to run their own lives and make their own decisions independently of God’s influence. That didn’t work out very well for them, and it never works out well for us either. Every morning of our lives we have to make a conscious choice to follow God, or follow our own way – to live life with our face toward God or our back.

Matthew 16:25 – For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

John 10:10(b) – I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

2. Give up your need to always be right.There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for ourselves and for others. Is it really worth it? Is your pride/ego really worth alienating yourself from the friends/family you love most? Actually, no one is always right, every time, about everything. Seriously, take your insecurities to God and ask Him to allow you to see your value in Him, and not in feeling the need to always be right.

Proverbs 16:18 – Pride leads to destruction, and arrogance to downfall.
Proverbs 16:5 – Everyone who is arrogant in heart is an abomination to the Lord; be assured, he will not go unpunished.

3. Give up your need for control. Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. As a Christian, we must acknowledge that our Father is sovereign; that He is omnipotent; that He is the One who is in control. He made everything and everyone, and He has a plan for them. As our Shepherd, He is the leader and we are the followers. He decides where to go, and the sooner we relax and trust His plan, His leadership, His loving heart – the happier our life will be.

Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Proverbs 16:9 – The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.

4. Give up complaining. What good does it really do anyway? So, why gripe and moan about so many people and things. Do you think anything will change because you do? Will complaining about the things your wife does, or doesn’t do, somehow motivate her to change? Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it and respond to it. Just let it go. Trust God – He’s the only one who can really change things and people anyway.

Philippians 2:14 – Do everything without complaining and arguing

There you go.

Question is – will we really take deliberate steps, every day, to rid ourselves of these toxic “friends”? Are we going to trust God with the car keys to our life or insist on driving ourselves. Take a minute an meditate on this passage from Romans 8. Let Him speak to you about this issue.

Romans 8:31-32

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

 

Let’s work at it…………….as we are trusting Him.

Rob

 

Reflections II

We all do it. Whether we admit it or not, we all make resolutions about the new year.

Most of us have personal goals, like how much weight we would like to lose, or that we need to eat more healthy or get more exercise. We certainly have business goals, some of our own making and some made for us…. sales goals, working more/less hours, gaining new clients, less travel away from home, etc.

These thoughts seem to flood our mind in between bowl games this time of year. We start thinking about a brand new year ahead and what we would like to do better, or differently. Surely, this will be the best year ever. This will be a break-through year.

I am already thinking about cleaning off my desk, and being more organized. I’m going to be more deliberate about getting new business, and making some needed changes to my ministry focus. So much to think about. I need more vacation time to plan all this.

Forgive me, but I feel it is my duty, my calling, to remind you (and me) that our 2012 top priorities should remain #1 our daily, personal walk with Christ and #2 our daily, deliberate relationship with our wife. This year, let’s think beyond our typical man ideas of – I’ll read through the One-Year Bible, or I’ll get involved in a small group (both are great things to do by the way).

Spend some time asking your Father what He would like you to do to get to know Him better this coming year. Think beyond religious activity and about a personal relationship. What would make your relationship with the Father the best and closest it has ever been in 2012?

Then, spend some deliberate time thinking about how to become the very best husband on the planet in 2012. It will take thought, but more importantly, it will take action. How can you become more emotionally engaged with her? How can you carve out more time together? How can you court/date her more deliberately? How can you regularly demonstrate to her how much you love her? What can you do every single day to appreciate and affirm her as God’s personal provision and helper?

Write down the ideas God puts in your heart. Keep them in your wallet, or in your Daytimer. Be daring, and ask her how you can be better at the things mentioned above.

Make 2012 the year of being a more Deliberate Husband. Think about it. Plan it. Do it.

Read at least one marriage/relationship book this year. Read one together. Go to a marriage class or seminar together. Spend more nights away today – away from the kids and the office. Invest heavily in your relationship.

Ephesians 5:28 – he who loves his wife, loves himself. (ie: your needs will be met as you meet hers first).

2 Corinthians 9:6 – The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.

In 2012 – let’s all challenge each other to sow bountifully into our marriage relationship. Our marriage will thrive if we do….. and God will smile.

Happy New Year!

Huz

For Unto Us

We all know the familiar verse regarding Jesus birth. We say it and sing it at Christmastime every year. I grinned listening to Linus recite the Christmas Story this week on the ever-so-annual Charlie Brown Christmas special.

This Christmas God has been reminding me that I need to personalize the object of that familiar sentence, and meditate on the rest of the passage in the same way….

For unto ME, a child was born. For ME, a son is given. And the government shall be upon His shoulders; and His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, the mighty God, the everlasting Father, and the Prince of Peace.

As I get a few precious minutes to sit quietly alone with God I am quickly overcome with the notion that Jesus was born on Christmas FOR ME. He was given (sacrificed), by God, as payment for MY sin. This little child Whom we celebrate this time of year – chose to leave the majesty and splendor of heaven, take on the frailty of human flesh, and die an excruciatingly cruel death – just for ME.

Babies are dependent on their moms for nourishment, warmth and love. They have messy pants; they spit up stuff; have to be taught to walk and talk, and pretty much everything else. Jesus was no exception. He went through puberty, popped zits, smiled at girls, didn’t like spinach (made that one up), and upset his parents……. just so he could do three primary things:

1. Become the blameless “lamb” that had to be sacrificed for MY sin, and offer ME eternal life and fellowship with God (the way it was intended to be in the first place) if I will accept His sacrificial gift.

2. Show me how to live a life completely dependent on the Father. Jesus had no super powers, but said he only did/said what he saw the Father doing/saying. John 15:5 tells me I can do nothing without Him. That’s why He was desperate to spend time with God every day, and throughout each day – he needed Him too.

3. Reestablish the opportunity for me to walk and talk with Him on a moment-by-moment basis, as it was in Eden. Adam partnered with God in every aspect of his life. He and God hung out, every day. We were created to walk with God and enjoy His company, wisdom, love and leadership – every moment of every day. Jesus’ death reopened the gates of Eden (God’s intimate presence) which were closed after the Fall. We don’t have to wait for heaven to once again walk in close fellowship with God.

So, as I reflect on the “Unto us” passage this season, I am personally reminded that He came here for ME. He is my wonderful counselor when I ask for wisdom and guidance. He is mighty God, when I need His strength and might in the midst of my tough situation. He is my everlasting Father when I need a father’s love, advice, friendship and mentoring. And He is my prince of peace in the midst of my hectic life and times of anxiety and stress.

What a wonderful notion. For unto us (me, you) a child was born. Unto us (me, you) a Son was given.

Draw near to the baby in the manger this year and spend a few minutes thanking Him for such a magnificent, loving and personal gift.

Huz

Do As I Do

Therefore I urge you to imitate me. (I Corinthians 4:16).

These sound like words of someone pretty pompous and self-centered huh? Can you imagine announcing to various people you meet, or work with, etc. – Hey, imitate my life!

In our modern, Western culture that really does sound weird, and arrogant. In Paul’s , first century world, many men had disciples, followers, people who wanted to learn from and imitate someone else’s life. This was not an off-the-wall statement from a modern cult leader, but a sincere plea for Paul’s new-found friends in the Christian faith to look at his life as a model/example of what a Christian (Christ-follower) looks like.

There was no email, no printing press, no New Testament of Jesus’ life and words. New believers had only the words and the lives of those who actually see Jesus and had encountered Him, as their inspiration and guide.

Those words hit me hard the other morning though as I read them. Is my life worthy of someone following? Do I live in such a way that others would see what a Christ-follower really is? Would I feel comfortable telling another person to – imitate me as I imitate Christ? Is my marriage a true representation of Jesus’ love for His bride, the church?

Here is another verse from Hebrews 13:7 – Remember those who led you, who spoke the word of God to you; and considering the result of their conduct, imitate their faith.

Is your life worthy of imitating? When your children look at your life, do they see a man they want to imitate? Is your life attracting others to Christ? And the even bigger question – do you even care?

Genesis tells us that we are created “in the image of God”. This literally means we are reflections of God to the world around us. When people see us, they should see God and His attributes. The moon has no light of its own, but only reflects the light of the sun back to us on this planet.

I must admit, I have been pondering Paul’s words for several days and am deeply convicted. What will my time on earth be for – at the end of my days? Why me? Why am I here? To get a job, buy some things, take some trips, and save for retirement?

Like Jesus, Paul, Peter, and the rest – we were put on this place for a reason, a purpose much higher than we can imagine. I pray that God will grant each of us a clearer vision of what He wants us to be doing with our years, our months, and our days. May we all live lives that we could, like Paul, confidently encourage others to imitate, and that would reflect the glory of the One who put us here.

Rob

“There is not in the world a kind of life more sweet and delightful than that of a continual walk with God. Those only can comprehend it who practice and experience it” – Brother Lawrence

Run in such a way….

Lance Armstrong is truly an amazing sports figure. Did you know that he:

  •Was raised by single mom

 •Finished 14th in first Olympics at age 21

•Turned pro at age 21

•Finished dead last in 1st professional road race

•Pulled out of his 1st Tour de France at 21

•Won the World Race Championship at 21 – after crashing twice

•Finished 2nd in Tour duPont at 22

•Finished 1st next yr in record time at age 23

•Finished 12th in 1996 Olympics at age 25

•Pulled out of Tour de France

•Diagnosed with cancer at 25

•Given 40-50% chance to live (Cancer was found in his abdomen, lungs, lymph glands and even his brain)

His hard work and grueling training regime were finally starting to pay off, and then he receives a death sentence. Do you ever feel like life is just too hard, or that your marriage is just way too much work? Ever feel like you’ve tried and tried, but your best just isn’t good enough?

All of us feel like throwing in the towel sometimes. Marriage is indeed hard work. I Corinthians 7 tells us up front that, “those who are marriage will face hardships in this life” – but the preacher seemed to have left out that part from the ceremony. Sometimes we feel like we have nothing left – we have been given a 40-50% chance of making it. What are we going to do? Curl up in front of the tv, or get back up on the “bike” of being the husband God calls us to be…… check this out….

•Less than 2 years after his diagnosis, aggressive chemotherapy and surgeries – Armstrong began to train again.

The following year he won the prestigious Tour de France. He went on to win it every year from 1999-2005 – a record 7 times.

I am inspired by world-class athletes. I am more inspired by world-class husbands who work hard through the painful, lonely times, and come out winners – for the glory of God.

  I Cor. 9:24 – Run in such a way that you may win.

Huz

What if…….

I heard a provocative question the other day that I wanted to throw out to the husband gang…..

If you didn’t have to worry about making a living, what would you most like to do for the rest of your life?

If a long lost relative left you a trust fund that paid you what you’re making now (okay, maybe a little more) every month for the rest of your lifetime – what would you most like to do with your life?

I was honestly disappointed at how fast my mind fast-forwarded to so many selfish, self-gratifying things. Sorry to admit, but my first thoughts were of me, and what I would like, and what I would buy, and what I would do with all that time off. Would I take the time and do nothing? Would I veg out? Would I keep my job and have extra money to spend on fun toys for me?

After slapping myself around for a bit, I tried to hear from God. I tried to dream about what He would have me do for the rest of my days. What would make my life special – really count for something? If I didn’t have to go in to the office – where would I go? What would He want me to do?

Let’s include your wife’s income also – so neither of you has to work any more…….. What would you do with the rest of your life?

(If no one comments, I guess it wasn’t that provocative after all.)

Huz

What’s Your GPS?

As a husband, telling me to “love my wife” sometimes comes across like directions to a house in the country: “Take a left at the big rock, go for a while, and take another left at the tree with the giant bump on the limb.” It’s just too vague. That’s what’s nice about having a GPS; it’s a map that clearly reveals how to reach my destination.
When it comes to loving my wife, I’ve made it a habit to carry a marriage “GPS” in my wallet. It’s written on a piece of paper and shows me the way to my wife’s heart. I ask her to share with me three things I can do that make her feel loved. Instead of guessing what makes her feel loved, I seek out what actions I can take that will truly bless her. Sure, the first time I asked her, it was pretty scary. I was giving her a blank check and agreeing to perform whatever she asked. However, because I desire to love and serve her, I want to do whatever it takes to treasure her.
I recently asked my wife again to give me her Top Three list. Below are the ways I’m going to love her:
1) Hold her hand in public
2) Vacuum the carpet every week
3) Occasionally tell her that she is beautiful
Over the next couple months, I’m going to work hard to love my wife in these ways. And it sure is a great feeling to know specific actions I can take to show her my love rather than guessing the way to her heart.
Jon