Husbands Need Sex

        Yes, we all know it’s true.

We’re not perverts, or cavemen – we just need more sex (typically) than our wives do.

To make matters worse – most wives honestly don’t understand – and couples rarely talk about it. So, we stuff our feelings, frustrations and resentments hoping for a breakthrough someday.

So, let’s talk about it – man to man.

God made us in His image. He made us with a strong sexual desire. It is not evil or weird that we have it. I believe that Adam and Eve were extremely sexual people and loved every minute of it. But remember, there was a fall. The perfect, naked and unashamed relationship that Adam and Eve enjoyed was shattered when they were kicked out of the Garden. Every aspect of their life and marriage then became imperfect – and hard. Not as God intended or desired, but as a direct result of their choosing to live life on their own terms, and apart from God. As a result, many married couples today live in a sex-starved state and sex, or the lack of it, remains a major stress point in their relationship.

In this post, let’s look at some of the emotional major needs we share as husbands (men): *

1. Physical/biological need for sexual release/relief  – and our wife is God’s only legitimate option for that fulfillment. If she doesn’t fully understand this, and God’s command in I Corinthians 7 – then our sex life will fall way short of what God intended to bring us much pleasure and oneness. Without regular sexual release we are not only irritable, but strongly tempted to “act out” and do something we will regret later.

2. Physical Responsiveness – we long to be desired and wanted by our woman. If not, we are more attracted to images, movies, TV, and Internet sites that depict women passionately desiring their men. We are also more attracted to women in our lives, even less attractive women, who make us feel “special”  or desirable.

3. Physical Closeness – we deeply want to be loved and to share life’s experiences with our wife. If we share no recreational fellowship and friendship together, we lose a big part of God’s amazing plan for bringing the two of us together. Men connect through shared experiences…. sports, outings, card games, activities with buddies. We need to make sure we have physical, recreational experiences with our wife as well. Remember – you will spend (typically) more time married without children at home, than with them at home. You need to work at staying best friends.

4. Visual Gateway – our eyes are our primary sex organ. We are instinctively attracted to beauty. That’s why we look. We lose our primary “turn on” when the lights are out when we have sex, or when our wife only wears long, loose-fitting clothing, etc.  We also care about wife’s appearance.

5. Easily Bored – we crave adventure, risk, variety, challenge – We bore with routine and predictable sex –  we’ll take it, but we are longing to experience passion – to be desired, to enjoy having a wife who “wants to” and doesn’t just “has to”. We love the chase, the hunt, the adventure. That’s why many of us love hunting and fishing so much. Naked is fine…but something in us likes to undo buttons, zippers, etc. and “discover” our wife once again.

Next time we will delve into the physical reasons why we need sex. There is plenty of research that reveals why we need regular release, and what happens inside us when that doesn’t happen.

Okay – we’re talking about sex. Somebody has to go there. So – let’s go there.

If you have no feedback, no opinion, nothing to add, or no feelings on the subject – I will assume you are dead and stop sending the blog to you.

If you are alive and well – please chime in. Share your thoughts with us. This is an area we ALL need to learn from each other about.

I am looking forward to getting into this discussion with you all.


* taken from “The Sex Talk” seminar. If you would like to have The Talk at an upcoming couples retreat, marriage class, or marriage event – let me know.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

3 thoughts on “Husbands Need Sex

  1. That was really well done. You said it all. Some guys need to be legitimized for feeling the way they do. As you said it’s not weird or broken. Another thought I would like you to tackle is – how does a man convey this to his wife? It would help so much if it were written in the sky and our wives could see this is how God made us, so they’d respond. Sadly I think many think it’s just plain selfish for a guy to want all the bells and whistles. I’m betting not a single reader disagreed. I’ve spent a fair amount of time complaining, but the real need is for us to find the bridge that opens the way for intimacy to occur.

    It helps to know that sex too was broken in the fall. That doesn’t make it better, but does help to explain what’s going on.

  2. I have to agree this is pretty much preaching to the choir – it’s good to see it laid out in black and white. I read a really good book on this topic that someone had lent to my wife – unfortunately she’s not much of a reader so she didn’t pick up any of it. It would be nice to have a way to put this knowledge into the heads of our wives in such a way that they trusted and believed it. If I sent my wife this link or read it to her she would blow it off as me just trying to manipulate her into getting more sex. Any ideas out there that might work?

  3. I’m a wife and I think I understand what happens. She needs an emotional connection to be in the mood and he needs sex to get an emotional connection. It took my husband and I a while to figure this out. He wasn’t meeting my needs and I wasn’t meeting his. It takes two people to make a connection work.

Comments are closed.