I read with interest a recent blog post on my friend Julie Sibert’s blog, Intimacy in Marriage.com. The post was titled – What Your Husbands are Telling Me about Your Sex Life. In it she recounts many of the numerous comments left by husbands on her blog regarding their sex lives with their wives. In all fairness, she also hears from sexually frustrated wives whose husbands don’t seem interested anymore.
Anyway – here are a few husband comments from today’s post: On a regular basis I hear about wives who – Haven’t made love to their husbands in months or even years. Never initiate sex. Consistently put ministry, children’s activities and other obligations above sex. Easily get defensive when their husbands try to address their sexual intimacy struggles. Are too tired for sex, but not too tired to watch NCIS, the Bachelor or 20/20? Regularly refuse their husband’s initiations for sex, but then vilify him when he is easily tempted by outside sexual stimulation. Seem to be only “going through the motions” to get sex over with.
If we are honest, many of us have had similar thoughts over the years. Sexual intimacy remains one of the top frustrations of men in marriage. While there is no instant answer, and no pat answer for every situation, I am convinced that the Creator of sex, and intimacy, has not left us to ourselves to figure it out.
While this could be a multi-part post, or even the subject matter for an entire blog site – I want to take the space to make a couple of points that I feel are significant based on the husbands I meet with and have counseled over the last years.
1. God created your wife with much different sex needs than you. She has no physical need for regular sexual release, and does not feel the same need for it. That is why she can say very honestly that she enjoys sex when it happens, but just doesn’t think about it. Such a foreign concept to men.
She does, however, feel the need for regular “emotional connection” with you to the same degree (another foreign concept). She needs emotional intimacy every bit as much as you need physical intimacy.
2. She has no “pop-up” blocker that can turn off the multitude of “screens” playing in her head at any one point in time. Because of her relational and emotional wiring, she is always thinking about (and concerned about) family, finances, home chores, relatives, birthdays, special events, school, health, friends, you name it – the list seems almost endless. Believe it or not, you are on the list. Most wives would say that you are on the top of the list. Amazingly though, that doesn’t automatically equate to sex. She can’t simply turn off all those concerns and instantly desire to rip your clothes off on the way up the stairs. We, as you well know – can.
3. Most wives don’t experience fulfilling sex. According to the 2010 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, only 30% of wives experience regular orgasm during sex, compared to over 85% of husbands. Reason? Most likely thousands of them, but my guess is that this is most caused by selfish or ignorant husbands. It is much easier for us to achieve satisfaction during sex, and it is hard work to place our wife’s need for connection and romance ahead of our need for satisfaction. This requires a more deliberate, and unselfish approach to sex.
The Bible tell us the secret to an exciting sex life with our wives:
I Corinthians 7:33– but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife
Philippians 2:3-4 – Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;
Ephesians 5:28 – In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
Ephesians 5:25 – Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
Guys – You have heard the old cliché, “Sex begins in the kitchen”. God calls us (and commands us) to love our wife as Christ loved the church and give ourselves up on her behalf. We are to regard her as more important than ourself, and make pleasing her our #1 earthly priority. If we obey God in this, He will make sure our own needs, including our sexual needs, are met. A wife who is loved, pleased, nourished and cherished like this will find it much easier to make pleasing her man a top priority. Instead of blaming her for our sexual frustration, we should blame ourselves for not loving her as we should. Talk with her about intimacy. Ask her what you can do to make her feel more loved and cherished. Pray for and with her, and trust God with your sexual intimacy needs.
Philippians 4:19 And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.