Why do couples argue anyway?
She wants it her way and he wants it his. She says they should but he insists they shouldn’t.
Two people sharing life 24/7/365 are going to disagree from time to time The secret to keeping your relationship from flying off the tracks is keeping the disagreements from escalating to arguments or fights.
- The basis of all arguments is selfishness. We want what we want; we want things done our way, or in our time frame. Like small children we fold our arms and stomp our feet and demand (inwardly and outwardly) that our spouse do things our way. God calls this selfishness. Here’s what else He says:
- Love is not rude, nor self-seeking. It is not easily angered. 1 Cor. 13:4-5
- Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10b
- Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others (spouse) better than yourselves. Phil.2:3
- The fuel for all arguments is our words (& tone). We cannot help the selfish, sarcastic, hurtful thoughts that may come into our minds when we are upset, but we can help what we do with them. We choose whether to raise our voice, use a sarcastic, hurtful tone, give our spouse the death stare or slam doors, etc.
- Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs… Eph.4:29
- Be kind and compassionate with one another, forgiving one another just as Christ forgave you. Eph.4:3
- Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Col.3:12
- The root cause of all arguments is our choice not to walk in the Spirit. The bottom line is actually quite simple. If we walked daily – filled with, controlled and led by the Spirit of God – we would not argue at all. Disagree, yes – argue, no; conflict, yes – fight, no.
- But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Gal.5:22-23
- Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Col.3;12
Bottom line ?
We choose every day whether we will surrender our lives to the Spirit of God and walk as He leads, or ignore God and live life on our own terms. The Bible calls that “walking in the flesh”, and the fruit of doing so includes: hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division (Gal.5:20).
Enjoying a marriage without arguing and fighting must involve three things:
- Daily surrender to Spirit of God (walking in the Spirit), and inviting Him into every aspect of your life.
- Deliberately choosing to obey Christ’s 11th commandment – to love one another “as I have loved you” – which means unconditionally; putting his/her needs ahead of your own; and serving rather than demanding to be served.
- Asking God to “guard your heart (mind)” above all things, for out of our heart our mouth speaks. Ask Him to speak to your spouse as you would speak to Him…showing honor, respect and love. He/she is God’s hand-crafted provision for your life and marriage and we should treat each other accordingly.
Your marriage will only be as fulfilling as your walk with Christ. Your relationship with him will dictate your relationship with your spouse.