Porn – A Wife’s Perspective

When Rob asked me to write something to you guys from a wifely vantage point, let me tell you I was fully intending to address something from the lighter fare of married life…. like, how one hand-picked flower on a Tuesday night dinner table means more than a dozen standard red roses on V-day.

But (sigh) this is not your pancakes-for-breakfast kind of post. And, I guess this is not a light and fluffy blog anyhow so I hope to be in well-accustomed company. If this is your first time, welcome, please
come back for more. I hope I don’t scare you away. Maybe I’ll scare you to stay…

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom…Prov. 1:7

I come to you in a spirit of great humility as I share with you, from a wife’s perspective, what it does to “me” when you are looking at…her.

I pray this is not a struggle for you! If it is, or it is for someone you know, read on, but be aware…it is about to get real, reeeeal. Early in our marriage, my husband struggled with pornography, an addiction that plagued him from his early teens. Praise God he is walking in freedom now. Are you??

I want you to go for a walk with me. A walk into the soul of a woman, a wife as her husband struggles with this most pervasive habit. What follows are some of the myriad of thoughts that flood her mind and heart as she too wrestles with this painful reality.

“Oh my husband, can you hear me?

I have tried to tell you this before, maybe even screamed it, if not to you then on the inside. I live in
fear that saying it again will only push you further into the arms of your addiction, into the arms of her.

How can I ever measure up to her? I know you say you don’t compare us, that it’s not about me, but in
my eyes there is another woman in our bed. Another woman captivating you. I used to captivate you.

I want to give up on myself, in part I already have, it hurts too much to try. I feel rejected and
weathered when I see our internet browser history, how can I ever compete with her body and what
she can do with it? A one dimensional woman in our 3D world of bills, meals and baseball fields.

I am but a mere competitor for your attention in the midst of a covenant relationship that should be
safe. You promised.

We go to church, you and I. We look nice, you are good to me otherwise…”that’s hopeful, that should
be enough, I can’t have it all” I tell myself. That doesn’t last, though. It’s the middle of the night and
you are outta bed again. Once again I’m confused and angry that you are not the “Hi, how are you?!”
church-man at 3 am when no one is looking.

Oh how I hate seeing you as her slave, self-shackled, chained , linked to her lust, the Key within reach.
I’ll help you be free if you’ll let me. That shame you feel, I feel it too. I want freedom as much as you.
Your sin choices reach far beyond the midnight hour.

I shudder at the thought, but sometimes it hits me, “Will you look at our daughter this way?” (I told
you…real.) What would our precious girl think if she caught you in the act or found your stash? Would
she be able to recover? Would the father wounding be too much, her body image shattered in a matter
of moments when she finds out what’s lovely to you? I beg God to protect her from what you look at.
Don’t you want to protect her?

How will our sons ever walk in freedom if you are not fighting? They will be men soon, sooner than we
think. Who will tell them that Jesus is enough if He is not enough to satisfy you? You are a good man,
but will our sons see your goodness or just the addiction and the hurt I carry…Will you give them a fighting
chance to win against this fleshy epidemic. Their great chance begins with you.

Do you know I hope, pray and long for your freedom? Oh, how I deeply dream, hope, call it yearning (I’m
not sure there’s a word to capture the deep-down-ache) for you to be FREE.

I want to RUN with you into the arms of Jesus for freedom and call you my hero husband! I know deep
down it is who you are and who you long to be. I remember.

Change OUR legacy. I believe in you, bring that belief out in me.

I want to stand by your side with forgiveness in my eyes and hear you say:

“It is finished…I am done with her.”

 

Well guys…… are you??

Joni (not her real name)

Galatians 5:1 – “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be
burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

4 thoughts on “Porn – A Wife’s Perspective

  1. Thank you so much for this. My husband (a non believer) fights with this addiction and it is just so difficult for me to convey how hurt I am by his interactions with “her”. You give me a strength and a hope that through prayer and faith and knowledge that God is bigger and greater than anything of this world, he might rid of this disease. Thank you a million times over.

  2. I do not know who “Beverly” is, and it does not matter, but her expression of the “bride-side” of this epidemic is wonderfully stated. We all have our “mistresses” in life. Some of us acknowledge them and address the issue(s); some of us acknowledge them and simply continue making bad decisions; and then some of us don’t even acknowledge them. This particular issue, porn, is rampant and a devisive tool of the devil. The addiction is real and unfortunately somewhat chemical, but we serve a very big God who loves swatting Satan down if we will but ask. Thank you for this blog note, Beverly!

  3. I have to say, I’ve had conversations with many men who were previously addicted to porn. In almost all the cases, they were not interested in other women. They were interested in their wife, but their wife constantly rejected them.

    Now, not saying it’s the wife’s fault, it’s definitely the man’s choice, his struggle, and his responsibility, but I think the view above about these men chasing “other women” does not reflect the struggle I see out there in the Christian community. What I see a lot more is men wanting desperately to be with their wife, but being pushed away and knocked down so often, they look for scraps that in some small distorted way resemble what they need.

    • My husband is not into porn, but we are walking through my discovering him viewing clothed (albeit scantily clad) women on the internet.
      I am always available sexually to my husband. I take it seriously that I am the only woman he can legitimately satisfy his needs with.
      I am the higher libido partner.
      I believe nothing in marriage is off limits if the couple is in agreement and it doesn’t bring anyone else into the marriage (including these images).
      I have NEVER denied him, even though my initiating has been declined many times.
      I dress in a way that is pleasing to him (tasteful and attractive).
      I am devastated that I can wear something that turns the heads of others when we are out, yet he does not even notice.
      I am devastated that he says I’m attractive and is attracted to me, yet every image is of the same body type–one very different from mine. I am at a loss of how to process these two things.
      I am aware porn is part of his past, and am numb that it is not as far in his past as he first told me, because some things I consider porn (certain magazines) he didn’t mention because they were free and he did not seek them out, but did look at them for at least a year.
      I have not pushed him away, and in our conversations, he tells me there is nothing I have done or not done that caused this to happen.
      It does not appear to have happened since my discovery, and we have safeguards in place on the computer and with accountability people. Yet I am ever aware there are many opportunities in general for anyone to use a computer other than the one at home.
      I know I am in the minority, but need to let you know this.
      My sexual confidence is nil, and before this I was comfortable and confident in myself and our relationship.
      I am walking through this, and am commited to getting through it.
      I have forgiven him, and believe his remorse is real–he sees the pain he has caused and owns it more thoroughly than I imagined it could be owned.

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