In addition to the toxic effects of sexual dissatisfaction at home, and the slow erosion of marital oneness with the wife you love – another seldom discussed effect of indulging in pornography is – apathy. Men quit trying to find that closeness and oneness they once enjoyed with their wife – so they escape to fantasy world that imitates it – which in turn further fuels the problem they wish would get resolved. They simply quit trying.
Apathy sets in as you begin to agree with the enemy’s voices that “nothing will ever change at home“, or that “she will never understand my needs“.
A popular men’s magazine recently carried an article that stated that men too quickly conclude that things will never change at home and therefore continue to justify their indulgence in fantasy and self – gratification.
Men are a strange lot. We will fight through physical pain, endure business and financial setbacks and will even sacrifice our own desires for our family and friends – but when it comes to working hard to achieve greater oneness and intimacy in our marriage – we most often take the easy way out, and do nothing. We too quickly reach the false conclusion – what’s the use? Why is that?
Is it because we are embarrassed that it hasn’t happened automatically, and our manhood is threatened? Maybe we are too dang proud to admit we have a problem (opportunity) and need to work together with our wife to break through it. Another option is – that we just go passive when we come up against difficult obstacles that require talking and praying with our wife about them. Finally – I think men are prone to choose a faux tranquility at home instead of facing the intimacy issue head-on and doing whatever it takes to reclaim it.
Have we read any books about achieving marital oneness and intimacy lately? Attended any seminars? Talked with our older man friends about how to achieve it? Visited with a trusted pastor or counselor for input?
These options require that a man admit to his wife (and others) that their intimacy level is not what he would like it to be. Chances are great that your bride is already keenly aware of it too and has been wishing/praying you would take the lead in discussing it with her – and proactively finding a resolution.
You see, most couples struggle with the same thing. One of the top three reasons for divorce (not to mention marriages that settle for less) is always “lack of intimacy”. So why isn’t everyone talking about it? Why don’t we openly dialogue about it and try to help one another overcome it? Honestly? I really don’t know. My best guess is one thing – Pride.
We don’t want other people to know we have a problem somewhere in our marriage (duh) and so we just keep up the facade that everything’s “okay”. Everyone seems “okay” at church, at home, at lunch – so we should be too. That’s my best guess. I’d love to hear yours.
I say – let’s start talking about it. We (men) pretty much stink at it, and need to help each other get better. Better yet, we need to spend some quality time with our bride talking about how to recapture one of God’s greatest joys in marriage.
We can do this!