“Wives need a reason for sex. Men just need a place” – comedian Billy Crystal.
Yes, we are wired differently, and our approach to “connecting” with each other is also different. For men, sex is connection, but our wives need to feel connected before sex. As this picture illustrates, men may have plenty going on in our lives – marriage, kids, work, bills, debt, boss, employees, health, hobbies, friends, parents, in-laws, etc. – but if our wife shows the least bit of interest in sex – all we have to do is flip one switch. All other worldly cares are suddenly banished to the back of our brain, and we are fully engaged in the moment.
Wives, however, have to make sure all those individual knobs are turned to the right setting, and everyone and everything is in its place. THEN, she needs to feel that you and she are connecting and you love her, and she feels loved, validated and appreciated. She needs her heart full, and her mind at peace, before she can fully engage in sex.
She needs connection with you – at an emotional, spiritual level. She needs to be romanced. She needs to see and feel that you love her. She wants time with you – to talk – to just be together – to connect. The quote ” no husband was ever shot while doing the dishes” is kin to the old saying – “what do you call vacuuming, putting away the dishes and taking out the trash (without being asked) ?? Answer – “foreplay”. This sounds very foreign and down right strange to most men – but research shows that many wives get nearly as much satisfaction from connecting (talking, expressions of love, time with their husband, romance) as men get from the act of sex. Yes, there are many wives who love sex as much as their husbands. If you are in that marriage – count your self blessed, and enjoy.
Many wives will say they enjoy sex, but it just isn’t a top of mind priority. Again – they have more knobs.
Sex, as God intended, was not this complicated. I firmly believe that Adam AND Eve were very sexually active and desirous of each other. Sin made life, marriage, and sex – complicated and frustrating. But God has answers (as always) for our needy soul…
I Corinthians 7: 33 – But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— our primary concern when it comes to sex should be to please our wife. If we will concentrate on that – we will also receive our own satisfaction.
I Peter 3: 7 – Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect – we need to make sure we are being considerate and respectful as approach this subject of sex with our wives. Is there something we want to do that she doesn’t want to? Ex: many husbands desire to still go “parking” with their wife (we love the danger and adventure of it) and their wives are petrified of getting caught and really don’t want to. Are we respecting her needs and desire for intimacy and closeness before expecting sex? Basically – are we being selfish, or self-less when it comes to sex?
Husbands are to put our wives first. We are to prefer them above ourselves. Yes,the wives have responsibilities too – but we are to love them (and obey God’s word) regardless of their response.
Love is patient. Love is kind.